There’s no waiting until the second year of life before starting the toddler tantrum phase. I am in possession of a seasoned professional tantrum thrower and all before the terrible twos have yet commenced.
So here is my list (although by no means exhaustive) of tantrum triggers.
- the removal from their person of small hard round chokeable items, think marbles, think small coin, think gob stopper. A mum should know that the toddler is just wondering what those items are and will not ever put them in his mouth….
- the assumption that although they’ve thrown food all over the kitchen floor/wall/door that they have actually finished eating. A mum should know that the toddler is merely spreading their food out to look at it better….
- a tantrum of epic proportion will occur if you look out of the window see the force 10 gale blowing horizontal rain of skin piercing force and then try to place toddler well wrapped into a warm pushchair under a rain cover. A mum should know that the toddler wishes to experience all-weather phenomena at a snail’s pace whilst insisting on holding onto an umbrella and standing for a lifetime in every puddle.
- taking a toddler who has turned wrinkly from a bath will cause glass shattering screams, flailing arms and legs and generally result in a soaking of yourself and the bathroom. A mum should know that the toddler should be left in the bath several years until all the water has evaporated.
It is also unwise to
- turn off Mr Bloom’s Nursery
- not be able to produce an episode of Small Potatoes at very short notice
- allow your toddler to get even the slightest bit hungry
- hurry him
- speak on the telephone
- attempt to go into a supermarket
As ever, there is no need to thank me.